Mornings Pages were this thing I used to do. I feel like my mornings have been significantly out of whack, so I'd like to get more into a habit of doing them. When I make up in the mornings...it feels like there's not a lot of easy reinforcement. Some of that might be because our apartment has, I suspect, a paucity of "good air" (so it's not scientific, doesn't invalidate my internal experience) or something. Yeah. So I got some finals coming up. I used to think that exams were stupid; so how did I find myself studying for them? Well, I guess part of that is because I haven't been good enough to not study. Sigh.
And there's the thing where I start doing something, and then halfway through, I wonder if it's worthwhile after all. In general, the correct action in these cases is to commit to not thinking for a bit. Power through, and then evaluate. But evaluating at every instance isn't going to be useful.
I'm heading home next week. That's pretty nice. Typing feels okay, and I'm still worried about bad habits. In general, it seems like trying to figure all of this stuff out is...huh, notices I've been a little less coherent. Putting in mental effort into this is the correct thing to do, though. Or something like that.
{Cue Q&A:}
Q: How do I make mornings feel less like a sluggish spiral towards something good?
A: Cultivate more of a sense of excitement around the things I'm doing.
Q: How do I do that?
A: Find things that feel good to do.
Q: Okay, but then how do I propagate the feeling of the actual experience rather than the feelings of thinking about the experience? A: Ummm, remember to do so?
Q: Are you sure that's what's going on here?
A: Well, yeah. I have these habits. Stuff I do gives me reinforcement--
Q: And isn't that the more important thing? That there's reinforcement involved?
A: I...guess? If that's the case, then I'll need to acknowledge that some parts of me are getting some benefit out of this.
Q: And are you?
A: It certainly doesn't feel bad. But it's also detracting from the other thing I have going on.
Q: What is it about the other things that feels like they're being outcompeted?
A: I...don't really want to do them? Or, when faced with other options, it's way easier to play some more Pokemon Showdown or something.
Q: So it's easier.
A: But it's not like that! It's different. Plus, it's super annoying because I at least used to be in a position where I felt more driven to do the other things.
Q: Environmental cues much?
A: Well, at least it'll be over soon then, seeing as I'm moving out. But, yeah. Something about finding ways to ground/center myself more. I think the obvious move of leaving my apartment is probably still one of the best moves.